going back to school at 22.

My whole life it was always assumed that I would go to college and get my degree. I was (and still am) the studious, quiet kid that always got good grades and was complimented by teachers about how much of a pleasure I was to have in class. So naturally, college was always in the books. I mean, what else would I do?

While I had these high marks and praise to fuel my ego, internally I always felt lost as to who I should be in the world. I felt behind in comparison to my peers who had managed to figure out what school they were going to, what career they were gonna be in, and how much money they were gonna make. I felt as if everyone around me had the secret code to life and I was just not getting it.

As a high schooler, the number one question that I always dreaded was “So do you know what college you’re going to?” which would be followed up with, “what are you gonna study?” and then the kicker: “what do you plan to do with that?”. It was a hot topic for adults, family members, friends, friends’ parents, and the like but for me it was word vomit. I have never known what I was gonna be in this world and I still don't. So the idea of knowing my plans for post secondary education were on par with trying to find the cure for cancer — damn near impossible.

Yet, the pressure was on. And so, like most 18 year old kids I jumped headfirst into college studying whatever I was interested in at the moment.

When I realized that I couldn’t figure out how to do calculus, I dropped my computer science major.

I quit doing psychology once I learned that I do not have the emotional bandwidth to be a therapist or counselor — plus I was not trying to go to grad or medical school.

I graduated from my local community college with a AA in English but I felt that it was too general of a degree so after taking a few months off, partaking in a couple of unpaid internships and transferring to a university, I pursued Journalism and Creative Mass Media.

Unfortunately, this led me to being on the verge of wanting to unalive myself after my second semester because I was hating every class I took and realized that my prospects for a good job were at best working as a social media manager, which I did not want to do. Also living in a single dorm on campus did not help my introvert self thus driving me into an intense loneliness and depression spiral. 0/10 would not recommend.

It was at this point in my life that I truly wanted to drop out and give up on college for good. I tried to rationalize the fact that I already gotten one degree and that maybe I could get a teaching certificate and teach abroad somewhere. But delusions aside, I needed a break and so I took one.

After packing up my entire life of the past 8 months, I went home and took it upon myself to focus on getting my mental state in order and resting. I did some freelancing, had some mental breakdowns, got on antidepressants, had some financial setbacks, and experienced a couple of breakthroughs.

What I learned during my time off from school was that I was focusing so much on just achieving that I wasn’t truly living.

To live and actually take my time, felt like the worst thing I could do. To be comfortable with the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, that I didn’t have a plan for the future, felt like sin. I always thought that I just had to know because that was the expectation deflected onto me.

It only took me three years to figure out that I actually do like learning and that doing what I like is the best thing that I can do. Which has informed my decision to go back to school in three weeks and complete my bachelor’s degree in English and African American Lit.

There’s so much emphasis on college needing to be something that is worth it. That if you’re gonna go you are only allowed to study something that’s going to make you rich and impress the people around you. That being “college educated” is the best thing that you can ever be. That if you’re gonna major in something “useless” you’re wasting your time. Bullshit. The best advice that I ever heard about college was from Kalie Chebib who said “college is worth it if you find it worth it”.

Do I know what I plan to do with my degree? No.

But what I do know is that I’m gonna allow myself to actually fall in love with learning again and taking my time with it. No more cramming in summer classes. No more constantly looking at the calendar to see how much time I have left. No more counting down the days until I officially throw my cap in the air and wave this chapter of my life goodbye.

I’ll be 23 going on 24 by the time I am expected to graduate and I’m okay with that. And if I change my mind again and it takes me longer or I just decide to not finish at all, that’s okay too. Because I know it will be me that will have to take the fall for my actions. I feel as if I have experienced so much both in and out of the classroom and yet I still want to gain as much knowledge as I can.

Because it’s never too late to learn something new.