sometimes life’s a bitch and then you keep living.
2022 has shown me the harmful effects that self-sabotaging and taking the easy way out can give you. I feel as though I lost myself a lot this year and it hasn’t been until this month that I am slowly learning how to find my footing again. I’ve experienced a lot of shitty situations this year, whether they were self-inflicted or out of my control. This year could’ve been my villain origin story. From struggling with my mental health, being forced to take a year off from college due to my mental health, having multiple falling outs with my parents, neglecting friendships, being scammed and going into debt, amongst other things. Life has been really fucking hard lately, and despite it all I somehow manage to stay afloat.
I reveal all of this to say that even though I’ve been dealing with so much fuck shit internally and externally, I give myself a lot of kudos for not falling off the deep end. I think ever since starting antidepressants and coming to terms with the fact that life is shitty sometimes and there’s nothing that I can really do about it, I’ve made peace with what’s been thrown my way. I think past versions of me would not have had the same strength and will to keep going, and I am grateful that current me has learned that the things that I am going through are supposed to happen.
Not that I want to be struggling but that, if not now, then when? I thought about it and I don’t want to look back on my current self and have regrets for not “doing things better”. I want my 25, 30, or even 60-year-old self to look back on this year and be grateful that I experienced the fuck shit early. That I learned the hard way before it could do irreparable damage. By no means do I have anything figured out moving forward, and I live with the consequences of my actions every day. And I am okay with that.
The things that happen to us do not define us and not everything needs to mean something. Maybe me experiencing a bad year didn’t have to mean anything. It’s possible that I just had a shitty year and for all I know 2023 could be even shittier. Or it could be better. I won’t know until I actually experience it. At the end of the day, it’s up to me to decide. I think for so long I had been running away from taking accountability for my own life and the direction that it was going because I have been afraid of my own power. Of my own agency. The fact that I am the only person who can live my life is both freeing and terrifying, because there’s so much that comes with it.
And while I can try to hold out on being an adult or hold out on doing things that would actually benefit me and put me in a position to tap into my true potential, eventually I can’t keep making excuses for myself. I’ve failed so much this year but have also won. I won at managing my emotions and allowing myself to feel my feelings. I won at putting myself first and learning to be healthily selfish. I won at taking a chance on myself and investing in my career as a freelancer. I won at finding the things that make me feel safe. And for that I can close out this year knowing that it hasn’t been a complete waste.
Through the struggles, I’ve come a lot closer to identifying my own needs. I’ve accepted the fact that I am a nonbinary black woman and am allowing myself to explore my sexuality and queerness. I’ve come to love my name and embracing it as part of my brand online. I’ve started learning how to forgive my parents for the trauma that they have put me through as a child and as an adult and develop empathy for them. I’ve also come to develop a newfound appreciation for my hometown. Though I will always strive to one day move to a new state and start a new life, I’m ok with the life I’m currently living.
I used to be so scared of living and had convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of good things happening to me due to experiencing so many bad things. And while that struggle is still there, it’s become a lot easier to not be mean to myself as much. Because I’m all that I got. I know that the one person that I can truly bet on is me.
And that’s beautiful.
