there’s an imposter among us

There’s an imposter among us

and she’s looking a lot like me.

It hasn’t been until recently that I looked inside a mirror

and actually saw myself.

The clothes that I wear don’t fit the same.

I don’t respond when people call my name as it doesn’t feel like mine.

Growing up in a vast community of anonymous usernames, filters, and comments from people

i have never met

I still question what i should like, who i should like, what i am

Am I doing things for me?

Or for the live audience I created in my head?

Would they even like me if they knew who I really was?

I step into rooms and immediately hang my head out of shame.

As if my footsteps shout to those around me, “pay attention”.

I crave recognition but act as if I don’t deserve it.

Maybe I don’t, and all those trophies, certificates, plaques, compliments, and praise are just dead matter.

I can’t remember the last time I felt like I mattered to anyone but the intrusive thoughts who told me that I should cut the cord.

That I should step away from the mic, that I shouldn’t pick up the phone

because who would actually listen?

When I pull up my black slacks and slip on my black kitten heels and tug on my dress shirt and spruce my hair up and spray on my expensive perfumes and head out the door to work

I become a fake me.

A little girl playing dress up and not a little woman going to her little job in her little city

doing her little work because she has no idea what she’s actually doing

and she doesn’t feel qualified to do it.

Love is nothing more than empty promises.

Success is only guaranteed once you’ve given everyone else what they want.

Comfort is only earned.

And even after doing everything right, you still don’t believe that you deserve these pleasures in order to live a decent life.

Whether you think you didn’t work hard enough, or someone else could have easily done it better than you, or you don’t feel important enough to anyone that would make an effort.

You look around and amongst the people that surround you with grander lives, richer communities, and purposeful paths ahead of them

you can’t help but notice the imposter standing right in front you, who sticks out like a sore thumb.

And they’re looking a lot like you.